What 365 days after a long term relationship breakup taught me

A year ago, I ended a long term relationship and while it was difficult at the time to let go, I can surely tell you today that I am grateful for following my gut and letting go. He was an amazing person and truly anyone would be lucky enough to be cared for by him; he was just not my person.

This year with the breakup, I learned a lot of things and lucky for you, I have a list below:

1. Emotional security is more important than love

It isn’t love you are looking for, it is emotional security. To find your person who you can rely on, who you can trust with you heart. The person who you know would never choose anyone else over you and would never do anything to hurt you. The person who would consider your feelings before making any big decisions and who would defend you if anyone ever came at your character. Love is easy, love is even easier to say to some people. To be loved and to be securely in love are two different things. You can love someone but not want it be with them; only to admire and adore them from afar. To be emotionally secure with someone is to be in love, to be so content with the other person that you realize everything you do will affect them, whether or not you want that to be the case. To be emotionally secure, it is two people openly sharing their feelings and insecurities without fear of retaliation because they have built a relationship centered around trust and companionship. Being in an emotionally secure relationship should be the goal; I don’t want to just be loved anymore. I am tired of men telling me they love me or are falling for me and they have no real actions associated with their words. If you tell me you love me, then make your actions line up with the words. 

2. Complimenting you is not more important than actions

My love language used to be words of affirmation; that I actively needed my partner to tell me words of affirmation in order to feel secure. Now, after this year, I have realized how easy it is to tell someone lies through words. I used to believe that if someone said something meaningful or validating then that meant they cared and that their feelings were real. But in reality, talk is cheap, people can say anything they want. People can lie just for the sake of they felt something in the moment and as soon as you are out of their mind, someone else will be on it. My new love language is acts of service; I want you to show me that you care. I want you to show me that you are proud of me by showing up and being there when I am in need of that. I want you to tell me words of affirmation still of course, but if your actions are not lining up with your words, then I don’t care what you’re saying.

3. Physical compliments < Emotional Compliments

If someone is only complimenting your physical features, over time, this gets old. You want a partner that will understand your ins and outs, not just your physical features that could change over time. You want someone who understands your mental health issues, you want someone to understands why your favorite color is you favorite. You want someone who listens and asks questions when you say you’ve had a bad day. You want a partner that was initially attracted to you physically but then over time realizes that you are so much more complex and amazing beyond what your smile and hair looks like.

4. If he wanted to, he would

Simple, if your partner wanted to make you happy or see you smile, they know how to and would do everything in their power to make it happen. No excuses.

5. Choose yourself

If someone is not bringing joy, happiness and laughter into your life, let it go. Choose your own happiness over someone else’s. No one is as invested in your happiness and your goals as you are. If you aren’t choosing yourself, then I promise you, no one else is either. Put your mental health in front of relationships, put your emotional breakdown above going out. Say no to things more often. Set boundaries and stick to them. Stop allowing temporary people have such a big impact over your emotions. Do you even like them or are you just so caught up in the fact that they aren’t obsessed with you? Do yourself and myself a favor and choose yourself.