Breaking the Patterns of the Past: Learning How to Let Go

At some point, many of us hit a wall. We find ourselves in a loop—repeating the same conversations, choosing the same kinds of people, struggling with the same emotions. And eventually, we have to ask: Why do I keep ending up here? The uncomfortable truth is that even the most painful patterns can feel familiar—and we often confuse familiarity with safety.

Over time, I began to realize that the way I handled day-to-day life mirrored how I approached relationships. The urgency I felt to fix things, the way I internalized other people’s moods, or the anxiety I felt when something didn’t go according to plan—these weren’t isolated behaviors. They were patterns I had unknowingly built over years, shaped by the environments and relationships I grew up around.

Recognizing the Blueprint

Many of our patterns are inherited—subtly passed down through our families, friend groups, and past relationships. What we witness in childhood often becomes our internal blueprint for how love, conflict, forgiveness, and boundaries are supposed to look. We accept what’s modeled to us as “normal,” even when it’s unhealthy.

This realization doesn’t come easily. Sometimes it shows up in therapy, sometimes in heartbreak, and sometimes in the quiet moments when you look at your life and think: Something needs to change. The hard part isn’t just recognizing the pattern—it’s deciding to break it.

Forgiveness vs. Self-Abandonment

One of the most difficult lessons in this process is learning the difference between forgiveness and self-abandonment. When do you let things go, and when do you walk away?

Many of us were raised to be understanding, patient, even self-sacrificing. So it’s no surprise we struggle with drawing the line between compassion and enabling behavior that hurts us. The truth is, forgiveness doesn’t mean letting people stay in your life. You can forgive someone and still choose to protect your peace.

If a relationship—romantic or otherwise—constantly chips away at your sense of self, it may be a sign that you’re not just forgiving… you’re tolerating. And there’s a big difference between the two.

Why Patterns Persist

Patterns feel hard to break because they’re often rooted in deeply held beliefs: I have to work hard to be loved. If I just fix myself, things will get better. I don’t deserve more than this. These beliefs are quiet, but they run the show.

You might intellectually know what you want—a partner who respects you, friends who value you, a life filled with purpose—but if your internal wiring says otherwise, you’ll keep reverting to what’s familiar. That’s why changing outcomes requires changing the steps.

I once read a quote that said, “You can’t get a different outcome without changing the steps,” and it hit me hard. Because for so long, I said I wanted change, but my actions told a different story. I was waiting for something external to shift without doing the internal work.

The Power of Micro-Shifts

Breaking a pattern doesn’t mean flipping your life upside down overnight. It starts small. Setting a boundary. Saying no. Asking yourself why you feel anxious after a conversation with someone. Noticing when your gut is telling you something isn’t right.

These micro-shifts matter. They’re what begin to create momentum.

Maybe that means reaching out to a new friend instead of clinging to the one who always makes you feel lesser. Maybe it means sitting with discomfort instead of running back to what feels familiar. Maybe it means finally admitting that love shouldn’t feel like a constant battle.

The Inner Conversation

There’s often a moment when you realize: Enough is enough. It’s not dramatic or loud—it’s a quiet, honest reckoning with yourself. It’s the moment you stop blaming everyone else and start looking inward with curiosity instead of judgment.

What patterns have you outgrown?

What beliefs are you ready to leave behind?

What would it look like to live as if you truly believed you deserved more?

These aren’t easy questions—but asking them is how you begin to change your life.

A New Way Forward

You deserve healthy love. You deserve friendships that make you feel seen. You deserve a life that reflects the strength and clarity you’ve gained through your struggles.

But first, you have to believe it’s possible—and be willing to let go of the parts of you that were only trying to survive.

This isn’t about perfection. It’s about progress. About noticing when you’re slipping back into old ways and gently guiding yourself toward something better. It’s a process, and some days will feel harder than others.

But the beauty of letting go is that it creates space—space for new experiences, new relationships, and most importantly, a new version of you. One that no longer defines herself by what she had to survive, but by what she chose to become.