Returning to Therapy: A Love Letter to My Future Self

The other day, someone asked me,"Mariah, you’ve been without a therapist for two years—what made you decide to go back?"

At first, I gave a half-smile, shrugged, said something vague. But the truth? It’s layered and raw and still hurts in places I didn’t know existed until recently.

I realized I needed to go back to therapy after I lost my best friend a year ago. Not to death, but to silence, distance, and heartbreak. Someone I trusted deeply vanished from my life overnight, and the grief showed up in ways I didn’t expect. It took me six months—six months—to be able to digest food normally again. My anxiety turned into physical pain. My body was keeping the score even when my mind tried to pretend everything was fine.

And just when I thought I was okay—functioning, healing, maybe even growing—it happened again. This past February, I lost two close friends. Again, the same gut-punching, breath-stealing, isolating pain. And this time, it felt heavier. Like the wound had been reopened before it ever fully healed.

That’s when I knew.

I wasn’t okay.And more importantly—I was finally okay admitting that.

The past year has humbled me. It’s reminded me that strength isn’t just about powering through or keeping it together. Sometimes strength is being honest with yourself. It’s saying out loud, “I’m not doing well right now, and I need help.”

I had let my anxiety take up so much space in my mind that I stopped recognizing myself. I wasn’t sleeping well. I couldn’t eat. I was questioning every interaction, doubting my worth, spinning in circles of fear. My doctor even voiced concern about my mental well-being. That was my wake-up call. Not just because someone else saw it—but because I finally saw it.

Therapy, for me, isn’t a cure. It’s not a quick fix. It’s a place where I can be honest without judgment. It’s where I untangle the knots I’ve ignored for too long. It’s where I lay down the guilt, the grief, the shame, and ask someone to help me sort through it all.

So why did I go back to therapy?

Because I deserve to feel whole.Because I deserve to not carry everything alone.Because my healing matters—even when I pretend I’m fine.

And if you’re reading this, and you’re struggling, let me say this:You don’t have to wait until you’re breaking.You don’t have to hit rock bottom to seek support.Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do for yourself is say, “I’m ready.”

Tips for Going Back to Therapy (When You’re Ready):

1. Be gentle with yourself.There is no “perfect time” to return. If you’re even thinking about therapy, that’s a sign you’re ready to start exploring what healing could look like now.

2. Shop around for the right fit.You don’t have to commit to the first therapist you meet. Ask questions. Take notes. Trust your gut. You deserve someone who makes you feel heard, safe, and seen.

3. Write down your "why."It can help to write a note to yourself: Why do you want to return to therapy? What do you hope to work through? This becomes a powerful compass when things get hard or uncomfortable.

4. Start small.You don’t have to unload everything in your first session. Start with where you are today. Therapy is a process—it unfolds over time.

5. Celebrate your courage.Seeking support isn’t weakness. It’s bravery. It’s choosing to care for yourself even when it’s hard, even when it’s messy.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but I’ll say it anyway:

You are not broken.You are not too much.You are not alone.

You are a whole, complicated, brilliant human being who deserves peace, clarity, and care. And when you're ready, therapy is one of the most loving things you can do for yourself.