Building a Strong Foundation: Key Elements for a Fulfilling Relationship

Call it manifestation, call it being single; I know we all secretly have a list of the type of partner we want or the type of lover we would like to attract. On the opposite end, do we have a list of what key elements we would like out of a long-lasting healthy relationship? I personally do not and have created a list of requirements I would like to have.

Before getting into what I expect out of a partner, I am also acknowledging that I also want to see myself show up for my person in all these ways as well.  Below are some non-negotiables that I would like to have in a future relationship or marriage with my partner:

Build a Relationship off of Trust

There is no relationship without a solid foundation of trust. Not just trusting that your partner is loyal, but trusting that your partner will be careful with your heart, trusting that they will make decisions with you in mind, trusting that they will promise to fight for you and your relationship even when things get difficult. One thing I have learned from past relationships is that after a while of breaking trust in small ways, it builds up very quickly and you no longer see that person the original way you did. Once the trust is broken, it’s incredibly difficult to build back up.

Remembering the Small Things

They will remember the small things I enjoy like flowers at least once a month. I will remember the small ways he likes his coffee not too hot and his cars to be as neat as possible. We will intentionally do the small things that compliment and fulfill each other’s love languages in order to ensure the other is loved the way they need to be. I will make sure to keep things as tidy as possible because I know he likes his space 5S’d and I like my closet color coded. Doing the little things like ironing his pants before work, helping pick out an outfit because he may be color-blind and him making sure my cats always are fed treats throughout the day. Remembering the small things means so much to someone who thrives off of the little moments in life.

Not Letting the “Honeymoon Phase” fizzle

The Honeymoon phase only ends if one person stops putting in the same amount of effort as they did in the beginning of the relationship in order to “win” over the other person. Once one person decides to give up, it usually takes a short amount of time until the other person decides to give up as well. It’s so important to never stop dating your partner, never stop showing up for them and never stop appreciating them because it only takes a short amount of time for someone to realize that they deserve better.

Arguments are Respectful

Understanding that there can be arguments and disagreements, but no name calling, no shouting and absolutely no physical aggression. When I get too overwhelmed I quite literally pass out so I would hope my partner understands that I physically can’t handle when arguments get out of control. There are ways to communicate your point without raising your voice and making your partner feel small and it’ll be important to remember that when tension is high.

Understands the Other Person’s Flaws

Someone who can understand that you aren’t going to look, act, or perform at your 100% best every single day but they love you nonetheless is an important trait to find. You are human and are flawed inherently so it’s not your fault if you slip up, have a bad day or have mental health issues. Your partner needs to be your rock on your bad days and understand those little “isms” about you; what makes you, you and accept your flaws as normal and perfectly capable of being handled together. You can’t let each other’s insecurities drive you apart and you can’t let your egos get in the way of apologizing.

Not talking Poorly of your Partner to Others

You and your partner’s problems should be your problems and that’s it. If you continuously run to other family members and talk trash about your partner, then that is how they will see them. I don’t mean this in cases where there are abusive patterns, I mean in a healthy relationship that has normal arguments, you should not be sharing or airing your dirty laundry to everyone. That’s what your therapist is for.

Financial Transparency

Before getting married, financial transparency is an important conversation to have because two people need to be aware of what kind of debt or equity they are getting into. It might be really important for one person to be completely debt free while the other person sees a small amount of debt for a car or house as completely normal. It’s an important conversation that will save headaches later on.

Similar Goals and Timelines for the Future

In order to have something long lasting, you both have to have similar ideas of what a future looks like. If one of you is career driven and the other is not, they are likely not going to understand your drive and see your passions as distracting instead of encouraging you to go after your dreams. You both have to want the same type of family; children or no children, pets or no pets. I know I want children but will need a surrogate in order to reproduce so that is a factor I have to communicate to my future partner as well.

Is an Equal, Respectful Partner

A healthy relationship is so important not just for your future happiness but also the happiness of your future family. Whoever your partner is will affect your children, your children’s children, your extended family, your current family, etc. so it’s imperative that you choose someone who will be there for you through the ups and downs as well as respects those around you. My family is filled with big personalities and all different political and religious views so it’d be important for my partner to respect all the unique things that make my family, family.

Now I would like to dive into the type of partner I used to be.

When I was 18, I didn’t understand how my anxieties affected others, I would push away anyone and anyone that loved me. I wouldn’t let anyone get close enough to hurt me, not even friends. I was such a mean and sad person. When I was 20, I learned real heartbreak, my ex boyfriend broke up with me with me right before I was going to spend the summer at an Ivy League school; I learned then that no matter how much I give or don’t give to someone, if they not want to be together then I can’t make it work. As soon as I returned from the internship, he spent 5 months begging to get back together; I let him back in after the trust was repaired. When I was 22, I learned that insecurities can tear people apart, that I put my insecurities about my weight and lack of community onto my partner. I was codependent and put my anxiety about losing my grandfather and getting into law school on him. When I was 23, I decided to move away, not really asking for permission, more so just going and telling my partner if he wants to join he could. He did not and ultimately that was the thing that drove us apart. I learned that I need to be a better communicator and partner to someone who I love.

In all of this time, I learned that I was never afraid of really losing my partner, I was afraid of not being loved because I put 100% of myself into the relationship even after he hurt me time and time again. I learned that I am used to accepting gifts and objects as love; my love is used to being bought.

I learned that I have so much love to give, so much happiness to spread and so much patience to wait for the right partner to come along. My whole life my parents, grandparents, teachers, friends, etc treated me like a princess so why would I accept anything less than that from a partner? I want the big elaborate gestures, someone asking me in a romantic way to be their girlfriend, someone planning trips with me and being an equal partner in difficult decisions. I want someone who cofmpliments me, I don’t “need” anyone, no, but I would like someone that I want and choose and they choose day in and day out.